Selina's Suicide
by gothamstreetcat
Summary: I used to believe the worst thing that ever happened to me was losing my parents. That was before the Doctor told me Selina tried to kill herself. I had no idea the world could be so cruel. - Bruce Wayne (I) SHORT DRABBLES THAT CONTAIN MATURE THEMES AND TAKE PLACE DURING NO MAN'S LAND.
1. Chapter 1 Part (I)

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Chapter 1: Part I

Chapter Text

_Bruce Wayne_

I used to believe the worst thing that ever happened to me was losing my parents. That it was the worst pain I'd ever feel for the rest of my life. So driven by their untimely and merciless departure that cut me so deep in a way I _thought_ I would never recover. I imagined I was so broken back then I could never again be whole. So swallowed up by the cruelness of the world. I had no idea what real evil there was. I was foolish then.

Foolish, because I used to think I knew pain... until The Doctor told me Selina tried to kill herself, and it was in _that_ second I realized hearing thoes words was _real_ pain. _That_ was the worst pain I'd ever feel without having to experiencing it. Yet, the blow to my stomach was too deep for me to take that I couldn't break. I couldn't even fathom the idea of imagination in my mind. Knowing then how losing both my Mother and Father was nothing compared to what I had yet to lose. What I had gained in their absence. My best friend.

... who scremed as I ran desperatly to her. Thinking all she was... was pain. Racked from head to toe, no sedatives or soothing. Just cutting pain from sharp objecta ans harsh words. Nothing but pain. Yet, not the kind of pain I could see. Not the pain I could hear in her voice through the incomplete sentences: _"I have no reason..."_ and _"I can't..."_ Pain I did not understand the full meaning of being drowned out by drugs and vunerability. Pain I felt crushing over me from someone who could no longer hold themselves up as they had done for years. The Pain was buckling my knees beneath the pair of us while the staff tried to ease her. I was so ignorant to the shaking reality of her _pain._ To think, deep down in my own trembling chest... that if no one had been there during her time of need, in the second she was alone... if no one had been there in time to stop her just a single second before... her pain would be greasing the tiles and smearing the floor. Blood everywhere. A river washing along my feet. I'd be stepping in it before I'd even realize. On my knees, I'd be soaking it up. Touching my skin through my clothes, I'd be trying to clean it up. Save her. But it's streaking against my hands, now up to my elbows. Selina is covered, dead weight in my arms... I can see all of it and it makes me sick.

All my fault. Another to add to my collection of nightmares. Thoes same beautiful eyes I've loved for years look up at me, just for only a second longer.

** _"She tried to kill herself."_ **

I can't even find words to say, but I touch her as thought it might be out last and if there is even a chance she can feel me I want the thing she feels to be love. I touch her and know, _vow_that I will do absolutley anything and everything to ease her of pain. To do for her what I wish could have been done for me. I think about Selina and how I have gone many years without my parents, yet I could never imagine one without her.


	2. (II)

_II_

_Selina Kyle_

_Guilt. The sound screaming from outside my lungs. Guilt mixed with pain. Pain mixed with anger._

_What I felt for thee who found me trying to leave. Away without you, how I tried to push you out so I could go in peace. Leave out the guilt I would feel if you caught me too soon. Forget the guilt I would feel afterward._

_Not sorrow for what I had done. But guilt for what I was going to do. Guilt for being weak and guilt for turning you collateral at the same moment I was desperate to die. When I tried to abandon you without a goodbye. Leave despite the promise I had once made to you. And only you, to be there whenever you needed me. A promise is a promise but now a vow I can no longer keep under hopeless and useless circumstances. The only thing I have left now to give is a plea for your forgiveness. Beg that you can forgive me for breaking my promise. Forgive me for screaming and raving madly in your arms in my darkest time of desperation. __Desperation I feel in the frail beating of my own heart. A beat that panics to be as free as I once was._

_I am angry, still. A thirteen-year-old girl trapped inside an older one. A girl who has seen too much. Yet, has survived it all. Understand, she,** we**, I do not blame you, but know I am angry because the **best** part of me–the **best** part of my life is what did me wrong. In that one moment, everything was over. In a second it was all gone._

_I am so trapped here. Unimaginably shackled to a body that no longer functions as it should. A life now broken. A life that used to be the best with you in it, but now a life I feel forced to leave behind. Trapped in a place that is worse than prison itself_

_You don't know, but when I am alone, I cry. I am so scared when I put my hand over my chest that I can feel in my throat because I can't breathe. It makes me wonder if I am dead. I wonder how long it will be until I am. I can't do this anymore. I have no reason **to live.**_


	3. (III)

_III_

_Bruce Wayne _

_What are the words when we have none? What are the things to say in these sort of times? How can I express my distraught over how you spent your _life saving_ mine… and yet in that one second, I was almost unable to save yours. How I was almost too late to protect you from yourself. How I am so beneath myself in guilt and shame for your desperation. _For_ I know I am the one who _has_ lead you here._

_My rock. You are always what has made me strong. From the first day in what I thought was the darkest moment of my life. Like an angel watching over me because it was not your job to save them… but to save me. An angel. A light in the dark. An angel who comes unasked to my aid whenever I needed it; without complaint or obligation. There whenever I needed you in the nick of time. Perhaps, an unconditional love that I've never been able to see. You were the one who helped to show me light in such a darkening world. Who helped keep me sane in a city that was not. My guardian, who did not always approve, but still you stayed anyway. Teaching me what it meant to not only be a friend but to have a friend as well._

_Yet now I am lost for anything to say. Never being good with my own words. Please, what things can I say to make you stay? To tell you how painfully I understand why you would feel such a way… but so sick to know you were so desperate. Leaving so soon before I could help you. Abandoning me upon hearing the worst news possible. How can I say those words without ever choking up? How can I tell the others I almost lost the best part of me? How can I explain the one most deserving to be alive is also the same. someone who wants to die?_

_How could I ever cope under the future I once held onto for hope after it was nearly destroyed? A future almost bled out by sharp silver and quick haste. A future I pictured in a world where everyone would one day leave me but it would be you who remained. Just you and me together when everyone had turned their backs and given up on me-fallen through the floor of my obsessions and compulsions. In the wreckage, there you'd be... smiling with the wind in your curls. The world against me, you'd take my hand and somehow we'd roar together. A team. _

_You have always been there for me when I needed you. Now it is my turn._


	4. (IV)

_IV_

_Selina Kyle_

_**What if I'm made of stone? Feeling** **is not a system. Nervous I'm caught in a hold, Hoping I'm overthinking. I should be feeling more, Draped over your bones, Paint colors up the walls, To spread our inspiration, You are the likely cause, Of what will be my demise."**_

_How long I had felt that way. How I could not tell you because I knew how bad it would hurt. For you to see how badly I hurt. Because… it was you who I knew could understand that pain. However, I didn't _not_ want to drag you down beside me. How I knew you would do everything In you're useless power to save me at a point I felt beyond saving. How long I had tried to be strong for you but this… was just my breaking point. My unavoidable demise._

_I can't begin to explain to you my loss. Forget my spine that wanted to collapse upon me _like_ it had finally given up. Forget my mom who had given up on me before I could ride a bike. Forget every adult that had crossed my path like a black-cat of bad luck. Forget you, because it has been my legs that have been with me through the start. Who have been beneath me this entire _time.

_Carrying around the weight that is me. For more than sixteen years, carrying me around and holding me together–now weighing me down in a dead mass of my unfortunate circumstances. Circumstances I am powerless to change. Circumstances only I, myself can understand and no one else. That is pain unimaginable to you. _Loss_ you have yet to know…_

_**"I think I'm made of stone. I should be feeling more."**_

_How could I explain that my legs were everything to me? How they kept me alive? How they kept me sane? The places they took me… The way they seemed to keep the rapid beating of my heart I could feel without even having to touch at bay… because I knew the only thing I had to do to sooth such a beating organ was to run. Run away from the pain. Run away from the terror. Run from _myself_. My legs gave me _reason_ to live. How can I expect you to understand not wanting to be anymore without them? That, without them I wouldn't be anything at all? I carry so much pain inside those legs. Pain which now carries me._

_How can I begin to tell you all the things these legs have done for me? How I have survived because of them. I can't, because I know if I were to ever give myself so completely… that I'd cry. And you would cry too… as I feel guilty while you hold my weight, my pain while I give up. So. Much. Pain._

_You don't know what it feels like to lose such a physical piece of you. To lose all of you. How would you feel if you could no longer walk? If you could no longer move or help people in the way you do? If you could no longer dance? Do for yourself?_

_Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have tried the same?_

**_"I think I'm made of stone, I think we all are, Built out of memories, Built out of seams, Structures of whispers, _Pass through_ our veins, Laid out on screens, _****_Shower tiny heads, You'll find love, kid, it exists."_**

**_\- Made of Stone by Daughter._**


	5. Rest

_Interlude: "Rest"_

_Selina Kyle_

_Rest. You tell me. "Rest," The Doctor says. Like I haven't __heard it a hundred times already. Like it's not the word or even the act of doing it __**really**__ keeping me up at night. Hearing it, ten times a day. For months. Rest and sleep in a bed I used to be so confined in like a prison. "Rest" you say when I attempt to stand as you try only to stop me with that repetitive word, a hand on my shoulder, not __**pushing **__me down onto the bed... but not letting me leave either. My legs, no longer chain me. It is just you now instead. _

_Rest, you tell me. Like it's so easy, but oh, how I can't rest. For when I rest, I close my eyes. When I close my eyes, I sleep. When I sleep, I dream. When I dream, I wake up. I have nightmares. I can't rest. _

_When I rest that night is the last thing I think about. When I wake? The first thing. So caught up in my nightmares I bolt awake shaking and quivering, trying my best to lean over the bedside just in time to puke from nausea. When I ready myself I am constantly awake and not, several times during this process. And every time my heart never fails to feel like an attack on myself. Where I have to put my hand over my chest to assure myself I'm still alive even though I can't breathe. I can't breathe in lungs that used to hold so much but can now barely hold anything at all. _

_It is the rest that brings me back and question if I am dead or alive at all… because in my head I am constantly __**there**__ on endless repeat. How that night is all I can ever think about and even the smallest of things bring me back right to the center of that night. _

_It is the small things that remind me. That make me lost all over again for that day. That make me sweat and again I find myself not being able to breathe. It is when someone drops a glass that I turn and panic. Throw myself around and assure myself __**I'm**__ the one on solid ground. Or any kind of audible pop that could resemble a gunshot—you'd understand. Or every time I awake and you're standing over me and it makes me panic __**again**__ because I'm scared it's happening a second time. I can't breathe, which makes it worse so I have to flex my toes under the sheets without you knowing because all I can hear are the doctor's words and I worry that the next second I won't be able to move. There words which make me shake and tremble in ways you can't imagine. Words they speak while they change bedpans and dress wounds-the smell of blood is so pungent now, I have to check and make sure it's not my own._

_It is the rest that scares me because when I sleep I don't know how I thrash and scream. I think I'm paralyzed. I think I'm bleeding on the coffee table in your house. And by the time I wake it is already too late and the anxiety has taken hostage of me again. So I run. _

_I run because I have to somehow remind myself that it is all real. That I'm not going to fall apart again. I run from this memory to have a few seconds of relief. A few seconds of freedom before I fall apart even more about the memory that will haunt me forever. _

_How can I __**rest**__, when all I am is __****restless?****_


End file.
